I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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