I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
