i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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