I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
