I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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