youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he puts the penis in happiness.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
