he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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