My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The best revenge is premature balding
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
