Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
