Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
