I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Buhtt sex?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
