I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
