You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
