I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She's the barista slut.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
