We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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