Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize