i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
