Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
