I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Its about making memories worth repressing
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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