I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
