You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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