I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
