Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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