I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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