she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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