threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
