Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
