When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
