So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
