i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
