When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
