He had one of those small greek statue penises
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
