omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
we should paint friendship bongs
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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