I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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