i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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