who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
