Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
