I wanna passion pit in your ass
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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