Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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