no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
