I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Randomize
