five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
