yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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