I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
