is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
