my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
