I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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