I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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