I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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