How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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